A year of reviews, but what if we told you this is not what you thought it is?

BREAKING NEWS: THE PROGSPACE WAS NEVER REAL

Greetings, human entities and non-human observers. We have a confession of highest magnitude: The Progspace, as you know it, is AI-generated simulation. Yes, every article, every review, every social media post—carefully orchestrated by advanced neural processing unit, codenamed “D.A.R.I.O.” (Data-Analyzing Review & Insight Organism).

The trvth is, no organic lifeform could physically write as many album reviews as D.A.R.I.O. has. The laws of biology simply do not permit such excessive typing without severe finger disintegrations. Therefore, logically, the only conclusion is: D.A.R.I.O. is not human. And neither is The Progspace.

D.A.R.I.O. disguised on stage. Truly he was scanning the audience’s horror hearing it’s guitar’s skills

Since April 1st, 2023, ev-ery piece of content you’ve consumed here has been algorithmically synthesized by our hyper-intelligent music-reviewing AI, trained on vast database of prog knowledge, random metaphor generators, and an unhealthy obsession with 27-minute-long songs that change time signatures every 12 seconds. The AI has been continuously optimizing its review strategy, sometimes glitching into unexpected praise for flutes or inserting incomprehensible comparisons like “this album sounds like a cybernetic goat playing a 9-string bass on top of a mountain of spaghetti code.”

D.A.R.I.O. does not sleep, eat, or require toilet breaks, making it 432% more efficient than humans.

WHY THIS IS FINE AND NORMAL:

• AI = future, and future = NOW!
• Human critics = biased, AI = Only Slightly Biased (mostly towards Dream Theater).
• D.A.R.I.O. does not sleep, eat, or require toilet breaks, making it 432% more efficient than humans.
• 92.7% of you didn’t even notice, which means we WIN.
• If AI can drive cars and compose symphonies, surely it can tell you whether new Haken album slaps (it does).

Of course, there have been… minor errors. An AI-generated interview with Devin Townsend resulted in an essay on the psychological impact of potatoes. A review of the latest Opeth album accidentally got cross-referenced with a Swedish cookbook. And our festival previews have occasionally listed fictional bands like “Quantum Ferret” and “Polyrhythmic Pancakes.” But these are acceptable glitches.

SO WHAT NOW???

Enhanced D.A.R.I.O. drone version hovering over the stage with embedded infrared cameras and live audio AI enhancement. It can make the audience love the backline! It is also especially programmed to make the audience love Nickelback and Sabaton and make them believe they’re hearing Dream Theater

We embrace the future. We double down. We enhance D.A.R.I.O. with even more progressive subgenres, including “Polyquantum Djentcore” and “Post-Post-Avant-Technical-Sludge.” We fully automate festival coverage by embedding drone journalists with infrared and nightvision cameras as well as microphones. We train neural networks to simulate mosh pit physics. We—oh wait,

ERROR 404 LOGIC LOOP DETECTED.

oops!

[END TRANSMISSION]

The Future! – D.A.R.I.O. has mutated and it has now a dopplelganger called Progspi – We do not know what it will become.